I'm not having one!!!! But I figured the title would get your attention.
I have to post at least once a year, right? Who knows, maybe I'll get back in the habit of regular postings, but I doubt it. And today I am in the mood to blog.
The other day, when I was writing (which I do regularly...just not on this blog) I filled up another journal, and had to get a new one out. So I took the now-filled journal and put it with the dozen or so other filled journals that date back to eighth grade. Of course, I had to take some out and read old posts. Fourteen year old me kept me amused for quite some time, actually. It was funny, seeing how much I've changed since then. But it wasn't really a surprise. I mean, I would HOPE that I've made some serious progress between the ages of 14 and 22.
No, the real surprise came when I started flipping through the most recently completed journals, those from the last couple of years. I didn't realize how much I DIDN'T know what I wanted, until I figured out what I wanted. Does that make any sense?
The last year has been one of change. There haven't been any major, outward life changing events that made me go "Whoa, change. I hate change". Rather, it has been a slow progression, brought on by seemingly small events or realizations, conversations, books I've read, etc, that has given me a clearer vision of what I truly want from life. Even more, I have come closer to understanding what I am MEANT to do in life. Because I do think I am here for a purpose, but unfortunately, my life didn't come with a step by step manual personalized to me. I've got a good Book for the foundation, but the rest is hidden in a fog that I have to navigate through, carefully enough so that I don't fall off any cliffs, but not so cautiously that I impede my own progress.
I mean, if you had told me a while back that I would come to have a passion for teenage girls, that I would be driven by my desire to love and guide them, that I would EVER find something I was more passionate about than theatre, I would have said that you were insane. If you had told me that I would turn down a paid acting gig because I found something I loved more, I would have laughed. No one could have told me that, or guessed that it would happen. And really, I'm not sure when I realized that my focus had shifted.
I guess I always thought that if I didn't end up pursuing theatre professionally, it would be because I had given up, compromised my dreams, lost sight of my goals and aspirations. The idea that I could possibly love something more never ever occurred to me. Part of me is surprised that I did, but I am more surprised at the complete absence of regret about shifting focus. Theatre will always be a part of me, and I will always take part in it. I'll never stop loving the stage, or auditioning, or singing (sorry, Siblings.) But it doesn't drive me any more. That blows my mind.
So now, with the New Year, I don't really have new goals, or new resolutions. Rather, I have simply come to understand, and put into words what those goals have been for a while now. Change isn't so bad after all.
Lissa
